3

It’s just one of those days….

It has just been one of those icky, shitty rainy days that was created for sleeping in and being lazy. Summer has finally given way to fall, and the temperatures went from about 95 to 55 practically over night. Laziness leads to boring list-y blogs…

Like this one.

 old as hell

                    Now that I’m older….. here’s what I have discovered: 

1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2.  My  wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and  All-Bran.

3.  I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. Damnit.

4.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6.  If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? Sure as hell ain’t nowhere around here…

7.  It is a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8.  Some days, you’re the top dog. Some days, you’re the hydrant. Most times I am the hydrant. Okay, technically, I am ALWAYS the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them. They need to stop. Soon. In my mailbox.

10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12.  It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13.  The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the  bathroom. The phone only rings when I am on the can.

14.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my  knees. They are fine where they are.

15.  When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. or Checkers. Or Bunco. Whay IS Bunco, anyway?

16.   It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere. and they hate me.

17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. and the occupant.

18.  These days, I  spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”. Screw it.

19.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. Wait……What was that again?

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4

To Have and to Hold, from this day forward…..

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Mr and Ms Herp Derp de Derp Derp on 16 September, 2000

I used to be a romantic, one of those sickly sweet fairy-tale worshipping romantically-inclined types. I remember reading fairy-tales, growing up and hoping, one day, that would be me. I was a strong and firm believer of love at first sight, eyes catching eyes, and hands clasped in adoration and affection.

Then reality reared his ugly head. I was squashed. Over and over. One boy left me ( he was gay), one left me because I gained weight, and the last had left me because I couldn’t have kids and he wanted a small soccer team’s with of children. I was a square peg. Squashed like a bug. Obliterated in the  face of what I thought was true love. I gave up, I gave in, I gave out. Screw it. I am over this. I didn’t need anyone in my life.

I now realize, that those instances were not real love. It was hideous combination of youth, and neediness and stupidity and really crappy choices. I made bad choices. I had someone in my life because I thought I HAD to have someone in my life. I was young and more in love with the idea of LOVE then the person at the time. I made a lot of really bad decisions based on the fact that I thought I needed someone. The fact of the matter was…I didn’t need them. So their dumping me…was actually kismet….fate…

I have to say, that when people say, when you are not looking for love you will find it. I certainly was not looking for anyone in my life. I was just unceremoniously dumped by someone I was with for over a year. After my embolism. While in the hospital. At Christmastime. It was like a bad joke, or a good country music song. After that debacle I swore sworn off men. Well, I had also sworn off BBQ chips and artichoke dip, but that is another matter altogether. I bought a computer for the house to help Dad with his business. I was sick of typing invoices and keeping accounts payable in a ledger. I plugged it in and I was off teaching myself Word and Excel ’95. I found the internet. I was messing around on Yahoo personals and entered in some information. Back then, it took 24 hours for it to delete. I was frantic. I was embarrassed . The next day, I had a response. I was not looking for anyone….But once I found him… well, my life has never been the same, in every good way possible.

We are goofy. Goofy as hell. He likes Sci Fi and I like Sci-Fi. He is happy sitting home quietly on the couch and I am happy sitting nearby and reading. We like action movies. We love Marvel and DC graphic novels. We both enjoy watching “Sleepy Hollow” and “Property Brothers”. We ENJOY each other’s company. He cannot wait to come home at night, and I can’t wait for him to come home. 14 years of marriage and I still wait at the door for him. He lets me do my thing in life, and supports me throughout.

Mike is my best friend. He is my rock. He is my strength. I drive him crazy by completing his sentences . He knows me better than I know myself. Scary thought indeed. He reads me better than anyone. He cheers me up when I am down and he pulls my head out of the clouds when I am I am being nutty ( which is pretty damn often). He was my rock when the house burned down and my strength when I thought I was without. He drives me crazy in every good way possible.

He is the smartest, funniest man I know. He makes me laugh. That is THE single, most important part of marriage. If your mate cannot make you laugh, and bring joy to your heart, why be married? I love that he makes me laugh. That last one is worth repeating… HE MAKES ME LAUGH.

MY ASS OFF.

So thank you, Mike, for marrying me. Thank you for the crazy ride that has been the last 14 years. Thank you for (trying to) teaching me patience. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for teaching me “the glass is 1/2 full…not 1/2 empty”. Thank you for being my rock, my isle of calm in rough seas. Calming my fears, wiping my tears and kicking my rear.

I love you to Pluto and back, even though Neill deGrasse Tyson and his thugs said that Pluto is not a not a planet anymore, they were responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status.

I love you to the Moon and back. There…That one is SAFE.

Happy Anniversary!!!

Wife

4

The Most Fun You Can Have ( with your hands occupado)

Since my friend weight2lose did this particular list, I thought I would steal share his idea since his was so fascinating to read. You can find his pearls of wisdom and mad nutritional cooking skillz at:  http://weight2lose2013.wordpress.com/

squirrel-coffee.jpeg

1. Your very first car?  The first car I ever purchased was a Plymouth Sundance. It was red. I loved that car more than life itself. It was BEAUTIFUL.

2. Your first friend?  That I remember? I don’t remember…

3. Item you have that you have had longer than anything else? I have a “Best Spelling” medal my grandfather won in 1915. I have had it at least 20 years.

4. What you order the most at Starbucks? Caffe Mocha Vodka Marijuana Latte…Just kidding…Venti Latte

5. Body parts that are double jointed?  Nope 

6. Name a shortcut that you take in your daily routine? Don’t have a daily routine. I wake when I wake but I do have coffee just about first thing. Hard to shake off the morning coma.

7. Lets say you become the opposite sex for one day. What would you do? Grip myself and pretend I drive a stick

8. Craziest place you had sex? Living room floor.

9. What was/ is your favorite subject in high school? Art

10. Your very first pet?  Cat.

11. The first toy you have memory of? Yellow Tonka Truck

12. What do you spend most of your day doing? Cleaning the house, cooking, laundry. I love my job:-)

13. What channel on TV do you watch the most?  HGTV most of the time and then A & E

14. What friend do you miss the most? ASP

15. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween

16. What would be your ideal day? Any day I spend with my husband is my “ideal day”

17. Tennis shoes or sandals? Flip flips

18. Favorite alcoholic beverage and why? Merlot

19. Slow dance or fast dance? Neither. I can’t dance

20. what was/ is your best age so far? Every year has it’s triumphs and it’s challenges.

21. Who is a celebrity you hate?  I have a interesting hate of any of the Kardashian whores. They make my skin crawl. Especially the mom. She’s a right nasty piece of work, pimping her kids like she does.

22. Name your favorite crime show?  Sherlock. Hands down. BEST SHOW ON TV.

23. Who do you wish would show up at your door today?  ASP

24. What do you put in your taco? Meat, lettuce, tomato, cheese.

25. What is your best trait?  Red Hair, baby! Red Hair.

26. What is your opinion of Peewee Herman?  Chock full of meh. Not funny at all.

27. 50 Shades of Grey anyone?  Mommy Pr0n. And BAD mommy Pr0n at that

28. What is your guilty pleasure?  Art Supplies.

29. How many times have you been in love. Explain? Just the once…..and it is an ongoing affair 

30. If you could choose between 20 new pairs of sweatpants or 2 new pairs of dress pants which would you choose? sweats. DUH!

31. How much do you know about your neighbors? My neighbors in 1916 are tres cool. Best neighbors ever.

32. How much do your neighbors know about you?  Probably not much

33. How do you organize your underwear drawer?  Folded neat.

34. Earliest childhood memory? Getting hit by a car when I was 5. I was a dumbass.

35. Where is the best place you have lived so far?  Raleigh

36. What kind of car do you drive and where do you drive it? VW Jetta. Point A to Point B and all points in between. Mountains. Beach. In there like swimwear, baby.

37. If you won the lottery who would you share it with and why? Husband, family and select friends

38. What is your karaoke song?   I don’t do karaoke. Can’t sing. Can’t dance. I am pretty useless for entertainment.

39. How old do you feel?  105

40. Massage, shopping trip or fishing trip? I would LOVE to go fishing. I love fishing!

41. What is your go to comedy show?  Big Bang Theory

42. What do you hum/ sing around the house?  Glory & Gore by LORDE

43. Spend 2 hours at Walmart or 30 minutes online shopping? Online

46. Spring or Autumn?   Autumn. 

47. Tell about a bad dream.  I am alone. Utterly.

48. Book you read as a child?  Charlotte’s Web

49. Most embarrassing moment?  Got lost in Würzburg, Germany. I was drunk off my ass and I tried to pick up a guy. I was totally rebuffed. I was lost as hell. Good thing my cabbie spoke Drunk American College Student. He got me home in one piece. I skipped class the next day and was at one with the Die Toilette the rest of the day.

50. Favorite Song: “Love will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division

 

5

HAPPY THURSDAY!!!

The day started off grand. There was a rustle coming from the right hand side of the room, followed by a soft thunk. The noise ended almost as soon as it began, and I lay back down and closed my eyes. I had gone to bed well after midnight and it was just a few minutes shy of being 0530 in the morning.

0530

SERIOUSLY??

Anyone who knows me, knows I have had chronic insomnia for about 30 years. I can go 3 days without sleep, at max, but that stretches the limits of my sanity. I would NOT, however recommend being around me, cranky, and sharp implements. I mean, that is just a stabbing in the chest waiting to happen.

Anyhoo, as I was saying….

The soft thunk, after a few minutes, gave way to a slidy metal-on-wood noise that I have heard way too often. It was the sound of a metal trashcan on top of our TV cabinet. My DH and I have taken to placing the trash can 6 feet in the air, on top of the TV cabinet to get it out of the way of The Ween knocking it oven and rustling in it’s earthy delights. Apparently The Ween managed to not only get up on the dresser, but to get from the dresser to the top of the wardrobe. We are talking a move worthy of Spiderman. Ween has a lot of endearing traits, but his handle on gravity is not one of them. He has made horrendous leaps and twisted tumbled and indelicate falls off the couch, on a nearly daily basis. He has all the coordination of a drunken prom date missing a shoe.

Somehow, Caption Coordination managed to levitate his 23lb fuzzy fat ass onto the wardrobe and did that which only cats can do. At 0530 he suddenly turned in THAT GIANT ASSHOLE CAT and knocked the trashcan off the wardrobe and onto the floor and I woke like my ass just spontaneously caught fire.

This Asshole Cat is not MY asshole cat

This Asshole Cat is not MY asshole cat

Seriously. I almost wanted to kill him. I am gonna be some kind of cranky as hell later on…

Asshole Cat.

What is he doing now?…..SLEEPING….

I may have to go jump on his head.

I may have to go jump on his head.

 

ASSHOLE…..

6

Holy…..Crap!

I am so thrilled to announced that my little whinefest blog has won an award, nominated by my friend weight2lose2013. He has a wonderful blog over at http://weight2lose2013.wordpress.com. Always a wonderful place to visit! It’s always a great joy to participate in these nominations and I am thrilled to accept.  Through these awards and nominations, I always have a great time meeting other bloggers and being mean to them promoting their hard work!

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 So, without further delay….

Here are the rules for this award.

1.  Thank and link to the amazing person who nominated you. 
2.  List the rules and display the award. 
3.  Share seven facts about yourself…..

I. I laugh at funerals

2. My parents were once told I would not make it through the night

3. I consider my best friend Agnes my sister. Her daughters are my nieces, and I love them very much

4. I am OCD..

5. I am addicted to The Big Bang Theory

6. I am related to Henry VIII of England. His uncle was my 19th Great- Grandfather. I am also related to Henry V through his wife, Catherine De Valois–She was my 23rd great Grand Aunt. Other relatives include Philip the Both and Eleanor of Aquitaine.

7. I speak a smattering of a few languages…Polish, Spanish, French, German, and Russian.

The only blog that I can nominate ( because I am new to this game) is my friend Julie’s Blog. She inspires me in so many ways. She is a inspiration and she is the most wonderful friend!

I nominate:

http://musingsfromaworkaholic.com