One Year On..

365 days on….

365 days from the date of my mom’s cancer diagnosis. 365 short days. The doctor said that time would be measured in weeks, not months.

Too damn right.

I have not felt like updating this blog since last year. I did not really have it in me to update it. Now I can catch a breath and think and have a cup of coffee and think on things. Peter Gabriel did a lovely song called “I Grieve” where he sings about life carrying on after a death and he is right. Life persists and goes on. It’s sad, and you cry and you live on though your heart will never be the same. Small things make me cry. I was at the grocery store yesterday and I walked past the Mother’s Day cards and I just sighed in pain. My heart constricted, and my breath just left my body. But it was only a second. Just a catch in my throat that did not last long, and it passed. and it was good. And I smiled.

Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is easy. I force myself to laugh sometimes. I think about the really good and funny things. Mom’s incredible,  cherry ( hockey puck) pie. The fact that she was a gold-medal standard world class klutz. The fact that she got so mad at Dad one time she threw a casserole at him and it slid down the wall in slow motion, like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon. Her laugh. Her absolute love of dogs of all shapes and sizes.


Her love of wine. The way she would dance in the kitchen. Her wonderful smile that would light up the room. The fact that she never forgot a birthday and she would always send someone a card. She was kind, and generous, and loving. Wicked temper. Wonderfully sarcastic. I always loved the way she said she never watched soap operas but she always knew who was on, who was screwing who, who was related and who was pregnant, and how. But she never watched them, not on your life.

Even at the end of her life she always kept her wonderful sense of humor. When Spider and his wife came over, Spider asked her how she was doing and she say “meh”. She didn’t really have the ability to make long sentences or talk a lot, but she made us laugh with a single word.

Pretty soon, in about 35 days, will be the one year anniversary of her death. She was memorialized on what would have been my parents 55th Wedding Anniversary. It was a wonderfully sad day, and the full chapel was a testimony to her, and Dad’s friends who came from far and wide to extend their condolences. I can honestly say that I do not have a whole shit ton of memory of that day. I think I blocked it out. It is one of those days you need to remember…but you do not really want to remember. All I remember is that during the service I really needed to pee and there are only so many ways you can cross your legs.




9 thoughts on “One Year On..

  1. I’m so sorry about your loss. I found that after my fathers death it was overwhelming. Over time, I mostly recall the good times and I smile. I hope that you are well, and it’s wonderful to see you posting again.

  2. Oh, Squirrell…what a lovely, heartfelt tribute to your mom this is! Now that a little time has passed, wonderful memories are surfacing to soothe the soul. I have been in awe of your strength this entire past year, and your dedication toward your mom and dad have been an enormous source of inspiration. I know your mom must have left this world proud of the woman you have grown into. I love you. ❤

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