The Perils of turning 50, and other fun recreational things..

50 Things that I managed to learn in my life…thus far..

I woke up the other day with the mind-numbing realization that I turned 50 years old. I sat up in bed and wondered how in the hell I managed to amass so many years under my belt, and in such a short period of time. It’s scary. It feels like I went to bed one day and I woke up and I was suddenly eligible for a FREE Senior Water at Wendy’s.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life and I genuinely LIKE the fact that I am now 50. I don’t have to watch my mouth as much and EVERYONE calls me “ma’am”, I am almost eligible for AARP, and I get all kinds of free shit now that I am 50.

HURRAH!

Oh God…I said it. I AM 50. I take a couple of deep breaths in and I let them out slowly, as if taking stock of the situation and trying to decide if it something I can live with…without panicking. Much. It’s strange to say that I am this old. Most of my life has been lived already. I have lived it really, REALLY well. I fell in love with someone who is deeply kind and wonderful, considerate and enormously strange and we got married. Babies didn’t happen but aw lawdy, the kitties and dog we love so much!

I have learned a LOT in my First Fifty Years on Planet Earth.

1. It’s better to sing off key than not to sing at all

2. Promptness shows respect. Lateness shows lack of respect. Be on time. Always. In fact—BE EARLY

3. If you offend—apologize

4. Master the art of Pictionary

5. Tip at 20%

6. Be Fair, Be Honest and Be Kind

7. Prejudice and bigotry are have to overcome. If you feel you may be, you probably are. Try and straighten that out

8. Hang around people who share the love of the same music, art, poetry, etc. You will never lack for conversation

9. Dream

10. Always say Please” and “Thank You”

11. Learn to fake it

12. Always buy the best tires you can afford

13. Never yell at a cop

14. Political Correctness is bullshit. Pure and utter BULLSHIT

15. Learn to accept criticism

16. Fall in love. Hard.

17. Steaks are best medium rare

18. Write “Thank You” notes

19. If you don’t know; ask….

20. Time heals most wounds

21. Don’t be afraid to fail. Several times

22. Judge not

23. Always ask the tough questions

24. It’s “AMUSE BOUCHE->HORS D’OEVRE->APPETIZER->SOUP-> SALAD-> ENTREE-> DESSERT”- in that order. If it seems like too much…Order Dessert first

25. Smile

26. Say “Hello”

27. Learn how to speak in public without peeing yourself

28. Learn to say “Where in the bathroom” in 5 languages

29. Drink Orange Juice

30. See the Dentist. Be his friend. He has good drugs

31. Gdzie jest łazienka?

32. Get up 10 minutes early and JUST BE

33. Always keep your car half-filled with gasoline

34. Keep a list of referenced plumbers/electricians/ etc. They come in handy, and good ones are worth their weight in gold!

35. Drive your dream car. Once in your life

36. Dance with wild abandon to the music in your head

37. Wo ist die Toilette?

38. Pay it Forward. EVERY DAY

39. If you have not used it/worn it in 6 months—donate it to charity

40. Sit and pet a cat. Your heart rate will go down

41. 洗手间在哪里?

42. Buy GENERIC.

43. Learn to make THE PERFECT MARTINI

44. Don’t lie. Eventually you will be discovered

45. Où se trouvent les toilettes?

46. Keep a diary

47. Be PASSIONATE about what you love

48. Dónde está el baño?

49. Tell the people you love, that you love them. Never waste time, and never think “Well, I will tell them tomorrow”. If you have not called someone in a while. CALL THEM. Tell them that you love them. Tomorrow may be too late….

50. Readers love reading long-ass lists. I see you made it to the bottom of this one. Congrats.

Mazel Tov.

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