Brace yourself, this might be a long post about a big subject!
I was a skinny kid, bony legs, bony arms and a bony little ass. Somewhere along the way, I filled out. I would not say that I am obese, but I am certainly tipping the scales and blowing that whole BMI thinghy off the frigging charts. I plumped up real good in my 30’s and I have been a piggy ever since.
I am what you would call FAT. I am not sure that when you follow that BMI crap, the term could be “ obese”. I’m on the smaller end of the spectrum, but I am still on that Porky Piglet. My mom calls me fat and it breaks my heart. She alludes to it a lot. She certainly has a prejudice against overweight people, and it spreads to me. Much as I try and ignore it, I can’t and even when it hurts, I force a smile so wide to light up the world.
I have tried every diet on the planet. Atkins, Rice, South Beach….You name it and I have tried it . Every diet you can imagine. I have starved myself, I have binged and purged, I have exercised until my very bones ached. I wished like hell for a eating disorder, or cancer that would wither my body away to the nothingness. I tried OTC drugs, behind the counter drugs, enemas, purges, Acai berry this- and-that, blueberries, colonics….Holy Shit indeed! I tried dieticians, nutritionists weight loss programs and starvation. I’ve done all the commercial things like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. I figures if Kirstie Alley could do it, so could I… I’ve tried substituting with shakes, soups, powders, drinks, cookies and crap. Gone sugar-free, carb-free, taste-free and life-free. No white food. No brown food. No fucking food at all. Binge and purge.. lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseam… I even wished for death.
After a lifetime of self abuse and self harm and loathing myself– I’m still fat. My doctor is convinced that I overeat ( I do not) and that everything I eat is bad (it is not). They think I gorge myself on food that is bad for me, that I sit around, bon-bons at my arm, soda at my side. Not the truth at all. I rarely eat. I wish I could say that I overeat, at least I would be happy. It would be a lie. The truth is that I did lie to them but only just occasionally.
I have been told for over 25 years that I “lack willpower”. I’ve got willpower that could rival any athlete on the planet. If willpower was all was needed, I’d be thin as a rail . I would be able to lift cars, and have all the energy in the world, but alas….I do not. I’m a natural obsessive-compulsive. When I get something in my mind that I’m going to do, I’m like a dog with a bone – not gonna let it go. My willpower is so strong that I’ve been able to starve myself, make myself yack, eat nothing but green vegetables for days on end—do not tell me I have no willpower. I have willpower in spades—enough for all the world to have. What I lack, however, is follow-through.
I am well versed in the whole diet and exercise and trying to lose weight/be thin routine. I’ve been doing it for a 40 years and it’s never going to be enough. It will never be good enough for my mother to say “you look wonderful in that outfit”, instead of her making little comments, as if I cannot hear her. Some times I wish I were completely deaf so the comments would fall on unhearing ears.
The smallest I ever got as an adult, with all of that dieting and exercise and everything, was about 130 lbs. It seems natural for me to be bigger and I have plateaued at the weight that I am and there are days when I look acceptable. I still hate going into public and I feel as if people point and talk. I avoid going to the mall, places where there are a lot of people,; self-imposed agoraphobia kicks in and I want to hide under a bridge.
I did finally realize, after some soul-searching and a lot of consideration that after 25+ years of trying everything, of hating myself because I can’t do what everyone tells me I should do, and that’s “Not be fat.” I cannot accomplish this. I have tried. It’s just not possible for this body ever to be anything but overweight. I have lost sleep over it, and I am trying to be accepting of the fact. It’s like spots on a leopard–THEY ARE THERE REGARDLESS.
I think what I will try and do is be as healthy as I can. That is what I want for myself. I will never be thin, and I am TRYING to accept that as best as I can. I hope my husband is okay with that. I would like to be thin and lovely for him, but it is PROBABLY not possible. I need to try and shift my focus on making this a healthy body. It will never be a smaller body, but I can try and shore up this fat and make it work better for myself.
I like lifting weights. My BFF Jules (http://www.musingsfromaworkaholic.com) got me started with them and even though I am not doing any heavy lifting, and I am starting small, I am starting. I lift my weights and dance around the garage. I am trying to move more. Trying not to cry when I look at myself in the mirror. Trying not to start on the self-loathing road. I am eating a bit more sensibly. I am moving my myself. Enjoying life a LITTLE bit more. Trying not to compare myself to others. I need to let go of the guilt and emotions I have regarding food. I need to listen to myself a little bit more. When my body says it wants veggies…I give in. When it tells me it needs steak, I give it steak. When it says I want a treat, I give it a treat. There is no need for me to starve myself, or purge myself, or eat weird weird shit like Cabbage Soup for days on end…Eat 5 grapefruit a day?? um…WTF… I will listen to what my body tells me what it needs, and I will try to stop torturing it and listen.
Which leads me to almost the end of a very long, difficult blog. I think I have written this to try and help myself—I am selfish like that. I also hope someone reads it and may see themselves in it . I write this blog to help people like me. Those people who, for most of their grown lives, have lived it in pain, depression, constant self loathing, obsession, anger, guilt, shame, and the eventual heartbreak it brings. People who put their lives on hold for eons because they want to lose the weight before they try something new. People who were born with a body they cannot contort and twist into the shape that magazines and catalogs and society feels is acceptable. Listening to the snide remarks and cries of “It’s your fault. Put down the fork, you nasty-ass pig oink oink oink”.I have done everything in my power to make my body comply. It has it’s own free will…
I am not a feminist. This isn’t about “female power”. It is more about People Power. This blog is as much for any men who have lived this as it is for women I know who have had the same issues with weight ( and mothers). Of course I have written this from the perspective of a chick, because …well… DERP
I am not anti-diet/weight loss. I am sure it works for some people, and it is perfectly adequate a solution. Fact is, I have poisoned, tortured, and twisted my poor body for long enough. It’s time I try to embrace it, even if I cannot wrap my arms around it. I need to find some bits and pieces that I like. I have nice eyes. They are hazel. I have nice hair—it is red. I have a nice butt–it’s like a bouncy castle. I have decent skin. Not many wrinkles. No crow’s feet that I can see.
What I wish most. I wish PEACE to myself. Peace that I can try and live this life, best as I can, in the body that genetics gave me. I wish self-loathing would go away. I want acceptance and self esteem. My time is coming- I can tell. I want to feel physically and emotionally whole for the first time in my life. I want the calm, and peace and love that comes with self-acceptance.
Wow….Interesting…I can get my ya-ya’s out here. I like blogging. Thanks again to Julie, who is inspirational to me. Thank you to my husband. Who loves ALL of me.
My blog is where I have my voice. This is where I streamline my thinking process. Where I bitch and moan and share my feelings and have a good old FUCK YOU FEST when I feel I need to get it all out of my system.
Whew. I feel better.
If it helps ONE other person, one that I don’t know, find that light and make it shine, it’s even more worth it.
Shine on you crazy diamond.